


I Watched You, I Love You

by Jaythorne



Category: VAM - Fandom
Genre: Bam Margera - Freeform, HIM (Band) - Freeform, HIM - Freeform, M/M, Vam, Ville Valo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-04
Updated: 2014-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-11 03:17:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1168018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaythorne/pseuds/Jaythorne





	I Watched You, I Love You

  I’ve watched you from afar. I’ve always been attracted to you. I even thought I loved you. Maybe I did. Maybe I do. I’m not sure. It’s so strange, for me. I just can’t figure you out. What’s worse: I can’t figure _me_ out anymore.

  I didn’t know what to do with you that night you showed up in Helsinki on my doorstep. You were obviously distraught. I took you inside my tower home, begging you to tell me what was wrong.

  It all had to do with _her._

  She’d cheated on you. She cheated on you like I knew she would. She wasn’t good for you, I knew that from the start. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t... not when you had a chance at happiness. That made one of us.

  But now you know, and she cheated on you. It’s over between you, you’re both done. She’s gone, and you’re getting a divorce. A divorce.

  I nearly died when I saw you were getting married to her. I was channel flipping, and I saw your face. I paused, transfixed. It was you, you and _her._ You were making a show about your wedding. Your wedding. You were getting _married_ to her.

  That nearly killed me.

  I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. Love’s dagger had already been there, ever  since I’d harbored this forbidden, secret love, but now someone was twisting and turning the blade to make me writhe in utter agony. I had loved you from afar for so long, my only sanity being withheld by the small, frail little hope that someday, _someday,_ you might see me the same way I see you.

  But no, you were getting _married_ to her. You were going to live happily ever after in your castle, and I would be halfway across the world in my lonely tower while you lived your fairytale life with her. I would be forgotten. I would be nothing. And I was. You forgot about me. I didn’t think you cared. Maybe you didn’t.

  Yet you’re still here now.

  But for all the wrong reasons.

  You came because of _her._

  I’d never seen you so broken. So incomplete. It killed me to see you, see you after what she had done to you. She didn’t deserve you. She took something precious, so very precious, and broke it.

  Now I’m left to pick up the pieces.

  But I don’t mind, because I really do love you.

  I’m holding you in my arms, letting you cry. I’m wiping away all your tears, all the tears you’re crying for her. She broke your heart, so there’s nothing left but an empty nothingness. She broke you. Shattered your beautiful soul.

  But I’m still here, holding you in my arms. Can’t you see that I love you? Don’t cry. I’m here. Please don’t cry. I love you. I love you so much. Always have. Always will.

  For days things are like this. We sleep together, comforting one another. I try and soothe you, comfort you. I hold onto you so tightly, hoping, _praying_ that somehow I can take away even a smidgeon of your pain. I love you so. I can’t bear to see you this way.

  You cry on my shoulder, your arms wrapped tightly around me. So tightly, as if your afraid to let go. As if you are afraid you will fall, and that I will vanish like she did. Betray you. Hurt you. Stomp on the pieces of your broken heart.

  Can’t you see I would never do that to you?

  I hug you tightly, singing gently to you under my breath. You’d always loved the sound of my voice. You even told me it comforted you, once. Once, when your guard was down. You were never one for the emotional conversations.

  But I remembered. Oh, I remembered. I remember all the times we spent together, every single one. Because in the end, they’re all I have.

  You’re calm, now. Relaxed in my arms. I reach up to brush your silky, boyish curls from your eyes. You smile sadly at me, and I try and smile back. Your eyes... they’re so lifeless. It kills me to see them now. They were once so full of life. I remember them then... they were stunning. A beautiful, striking, cerulean blue. So bright and full of life, always dancing with laughter.

  They’re so dead now.

  I feel like I could cry, looking at you. It’s like there’s nothing left but an empty shell. I want to make you whole again.

_Why are you crying?_ you asked me, _Why are you sad?_

  Because I love you. I’m crying because of all you once were. I’m crying because I’m afraid, so afraid, that I can’t fix you to make you what you once were.

  But I can’t tell you that.

  I tell you _I don’t know._

_Bullshit_ , you say, _Totally bullshit_.

  You were never easy to lie to. You’re not as dull as you lead people to think. You’re so smart, so sharp, and intelligent. If only you’d show people once and a while.

_It’s nothing,_ I say. _It’s nothing._

  You call my bluff.

_I can’t tell you,_ I say instead.

_Why?_

_Because... I... Because I am afraid._

_Why?_ you ask. _Why are you afraid?_

  _Because you won’t understand._ You can’t. Couldn’t.

  You demand to know. _We can share everything,_ you say. _There’s nothing we can’t tell one another._

  I tell you _You’ll hate me._

  You promise me you won’t.

  I say you will.

  You’re getting impatient. You demand to be told.

  I sigh. I feel like I’m shaking. I’m frightened. Is this the big moment where it all comes out? As far as I can see, this conversation can go one of two ways... good or bad.

  Good, you tell me you’ve always loved me and we live happily ever after.

  Bad, you walk out on me for the rest of our lives, and break my barely beating heart in the process.

  Why do I have this sinking feeling it will be the latter of the two?

  I sigh again. Here goes everything.

  _I love you,_ I say shyly, looking anywhere but your eyes. _I’ve loved you for a long time. With all my heart and soul, with every fiber of my being._

  Silence. My heart stops beating. I’m afraid, now. I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I? _I’m sorry I feel the way I do, I say._ It’s all in vain. What’s said is said. _I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry_ , I repeat over and over. I can’t look at you. I’m to blame, now. I just had to go and fuck everything up, didn’t I?

  I stop when you reach for me, tilting my head up to look at you. You wipe away the tears flowing from my eyes, and smile. I’m confused, but then you loop your hand back behind my neck, pulling me towards you. Our lips meet in a gentle, yet passionate kiss.

  I feel like I’m flying, and I move so that I can wrap my arms around you. You only break the kiss for a moment to whisper into my ear, your voice full of relief and happiness. You finally say the four little words I’ve been longing to hear my whole life.

_I love you, too_.


End file.
